Yesterday was my dad’s birthday, today is forty-five weeks since his passing. Over the past three-hundred-and-fifteen days, I have been searching for answers, but all I have found are more questions. Why him? Why me? Why now?
Losing my dad has affected me in ways that I never could have imagined, both bad and good. I cry often, I struggle to accept what happened, and I feel completely powerless and utterly lost. But through the tears, the anger, and the exhaustion, I developed a newfound appreciation for the earth and a renewed sense of purpose and belonging. Through death, I found life.
Grief is not something that you overcome and loss is not something that you get over, at least not in my experience. However, I have learned that there are ways of coping with grief and loss that make everyday life a little more bearable. I am in no way an expert on this topic and I can only speak from personal experience, but I hope that by putting my thoughts out into the universe, I can reach someone out there who needs to hear them. Grief is painful, loss is unfair, and death is incomprehensible, but without these three words, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate just how beautiful and precious our time on this earth is.
Surround yourself with loved ones.
It can be very tempting to pull away from those closest to you, especially when it feels like no one understands what you are going through. While I don’t think anyone can ever truly understand your thoughts or emotions, just sitting in the company of family and reading messages from friends can make all the difference. Your loved ones may never understand, but they will always care, and isolating yourself from those you need the most will only harm you in the long run. I honestly don’t know where I would be without the unconditional love and support I received, and continue to receive, from my mom, my brothers, my dogs, my friends, and my extended family.
Find what brings you comfort.
It is impossible to know how you will react and what may or may not bring you comfort in the initial days, weeks, and months. At first, I remember being afraid to touch anything. Then, I began a frantic search for anything and everything I could find to hold onto. I flipped through old photo albums, I shuffled through closets and the basement workshop, and I looked through papers and books to learn as much as I possibly could about my dad’s life. Now, I find the most comfort in writing. I scribble my deepest personal thoughts in my journal, I draft short stories based on childhood memories, and I share my messy life with the world on my blog.
Discover a creative outlet.
Emotions can be extremely destructive when bottled up inside, yet tremendously beautiful when channeled into an art form. Apart from writing, I have found ways to express myself through photography, coloring, and yoga. Taking my camera to the beach, my coloring book to the forest, and my yoga mat to the park have become some of my favorite forms of therapy. I encourage you to take your creative outlet to the beautiful outdoors and let your imagination run wild, it’s amazing to see how your emotions can manifest in your body.
Explore your spirituality.
If you told me a year ago that I would be studying tarot cards, exploring buddhism, and researching witchcraft, I would have laughed in your face. The old me thought those things were reserved for the crazies and the hippies, and maybe you think I’ve lost my mind, but just hear me out. Looking into religious and spiritual beliefs has opened doors to new dimensions, ones which have allowed me to connect with my dad in ways I never thought possible. I respect that everyone has different opinions on life after death, and I’m still searching for mine, but what I will say for now is that I believe there is more to life than our time here on earth.
Take as much time as you need.
There is no timestamp or deadline on grief, and it is certainly not a linear process. Despite almost being at the one year mark of my dad’s passing, I am far more emotional now than I was six months ago. The way in which we cope, or try to cope, with grief and loss is incredibly unique, so don’t compare your path to anyone else’s. Furthermore, be gentle with yourself and always take time to nurture your mind, your body, and your soul. On the days when I feel totally hopeless, I like to remind myself that I have survived one-hundred percent of my worst days and if you ask me, that’s pretty impressive.
With ♡, Julia Elizabeth
Spot on. All of these (but 1) helped me. In the beginning, I mostly wanted to be a lone. That helped me process things and make peace with it, before I could go into the world.
Author
Glad to hear these helped you and I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting to be alone, I still get that way sometimes. I hope you are doing well!
I am so sorry. My sister died three years ago and I realise, as you say, it’s a matter of ‘living with’ grief, not getting over someone.
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So sorry for your loss as well, sending healing vibes your way.
Death is a part of living, we all must face. A loved ones departing gift, is to bestow you with strength. Live in their honour.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kelly, I will do my best.
I lost my father at age 93 so we were able to celebrate his life. Regina has lost many family members, and still has rough days even for her sister who died over 40 years ago. One thing I’ll say about my spirituality. I am a scientist and focus on what works. many years ago, I looked into similar things like tarot, Buddhism, Hinduism. I got frustrated. Then I read in the Bible that “If you hold on to your life, you will lose it (true for me at the time) but if you give it up for my (Jesus) sake you will gain … (several answers.) I decided to try it for one year to see if it worked. It worked powerfully. I didn’t strive for anything to gain something, I gained many things so I respond with love to many people. God says that you can be assured of Heaven because you received the Holy Spirit as a down payment. Those powerful things that happened are listed as signs that one received the Holy Spirit.
Author
Thank you so much for sharing your views with me, Douglas. I have looked into the Bible as well but I don’t find that it resonates with me quite as much as some of the other things I read about do. After my dad’s passing, I discovered that he spent some of his earlier years practicing buddhism and meditation which made me want to explore those teachings further. I am still very open minded and will continue to explore my spirituality until I find the path best suited for me. I very much appreciate you taking the time to comment and I wish both you and Regina the best.
I lost my mom when I was young and it still hurts up to now that I am an adult. I still search for her and still ask those same questions. They say the pain gets easier but it truly doesn’t cause you long for them more. But the one thing that keeps my heart and mind at ease is the fact and knowing our loved ones who are gone are watching over us every single second, minute, hours, days, weeks and so on..They live in your heart. Stay strong and keep going cause what they would want you to do! 💓
Author
So sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. I agree, I don’t see it ever getting easier but I love what you said – they live in your heart ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, I know our loved ones are out there somewhere… I just wish I knew where.
You’re welcome. There are days I wish I knew where also.
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Sending you all the love and strength.
Aww thank you so much..Sending all the love and strength to you also. If you ever need to talk I’m here 😊
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Thank you ❤️ Same goes for you, always!
Really great tips you’ve pulled together here. I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
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Thank you so very much Rachael ❤️
Thanks for sharing your story. My mum passed away when I was 17 (almost 21 years ago) and if I’ve calculated correctly, your dad passed away when you were 22. Grieving is never easy but doing it at a young age is particularly difficult. You’re coping remarkably well and I have no doubt that your dad would be immensely proud of you.
Author
Yes you would be correct. I am sorry to hear about your mother’s passing but happy to see that you are doing well. Thank you for reading and thank you for your sweet comment, your kind words really mean a lot to me.
I was thinking about my brother this morning. Will be 23 years since he died in about 3 weeks.
Be certain there are people in your life who do understand when you talk about your father. Others don’t understand and might never.
Kindness and compassion might be the only good thing to come from our pain. Business people will always try to market it or quantify it.
I have found over 23 years that my love and relationship with my brother has grown. It is maybe even more important. We were bonded with these people in life. Don’t let ghouls and pity merchants tell you the bond is gone just because it changes.
Author
Thank you for sharing your advice, we definitely need more kindness and compassion in this world and I’m happy to hear your relationship with your brother has grown. I will take your words to heart as I continue to grow in myself and my spirituality. While I am deeply saddened by your brother’s passing, I am thankful that you have shared your journey with me.